People send me jokes, quotes and articles to read, which are often funny and interesting. Today I'll share a few of the clean ones:
First Quarter 2012 Airport Screening Results From The Department of Homeland Security:
Terrorists Discovered - 0
Transvestites - 133
Hernias - 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases - 3,172
Enlarged Prostates - 8,249
Breast Implants - 59,350
Natural Blondes - 3
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman can go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may select any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow!,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.
The Wife Store
The first floor has wives who love sex.
The second floor has wives who love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Definitions for English language words:
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends. And is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
EGOTIST: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
CALORIES: Tiny Creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tigher each night.