Do You Know Any Paraprosdokians?

A paraprosdokian is a ten dollar word.  I looked it up.  According to Wikipedia, it means "a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is surprising or unexpected, causing a listener to reinterpret" the first part of the sentence.  It is often "used for humor, or dramatic effect ... sometimes producing an anticlimax."  So unwittingly, many of us have heard paraprosdokians throughout our lives.  Comedians from Joan Rivers to Chris Rock and popular humorists like Mark Twain use them all the time.

Now that we've expanded our vocabulary, lets enjoy a few paraprosdokians:

(source: unknown: a funny chain email sent to me)

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ten dollar words are interesting too, aren't they?  I like learning them, but notice that great writers seldom go out of their way to use them.   My building publishes a newsletter.  In it, one contributor is fond of using ten dollar words when simple words will do.  That person's writing comes across as pompous and stilted, though I suspect that M. Nameless is simply trying to impress us.  Abraham Lincoln, a brilliant writer and thinker, used simple language packed with wisdom and, as it turns out, paraprosdokians.  Also, he was mostly self-taught.

The New York Times ran a contest asking readers to post ten dollar words.  Click here.  If you wish to share either a ten dollar word, or a paraprosdokian, well pleeease do comment. It's fun.  As the brainy Oliver Wendell Holmes observed:  "Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimensions."  And, isn't that reason enough to play along?


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Makeup Tips For A Summer Scorcher

Would you rather deal with a heat wave, or a blizzard?  It's been steamy in New York City all week, hitting  a record 104°F last Friday.

Wisely, people are choosing activities carefully, staying in air conditioning and drinking plenty of water.  A scoop of ice cream helps too.

Blistering heat forces us to strip down to t-shirts, shorts and bare feet.  Anything above a cotton tank, or sandals is pure insanity.

When temperatures broil, it's the perfect time to tie hair up in a ponytail and wear less make-up.  I like it.  Why bother with cosmetics that melt off your face in five minutes flat?  Plus, we are all in the same boat.  We can go l'naturelle together and not worry about it.

Here are a few barebones beauty essentials to see you through a long hot summer:

1. A Moisturizing Soap like Dove or goat milk.

2. Face serum – Dr. Andrew Weil Plantidote is refreshing and reduces inflammation.

3. Olay Complete  – It has sun protection and comes in regular or tinted.  I apply it to my face all year around.

4. Max Factor Pan-Stik – It should match your skin tone.  Use it as an under eye concealer.  It also covers zits.

5. NARS Multiplier – You can dab color to cheeks and lips.

6. e.l.f. Clear Lash & Brow Mascara – To keep eyebrows groomed.

7. Baby Powder – When temperatures rise, I use it as loose face powder.

8. L'Oreal Colour Juice – It's a sheer lip gloss good for both summer and winter.

9. A Bronzer – Contour your face to look sun kissed. The Body Shop makes them with rich pigments that can be used in place of blush [i.e. then skip #5, if you wish].

Personally, I'm not a big fan of oil blotters.  A Kleenex works as well as, if not better.  And I forgo eye liner, shadow, mascara, skin primer and foundation.  It all goes south in extreme heat, which looks worst than going bare.

You want your complexion to look fresh for as long as possible.  So keep it light and simple.

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Milton Berle Called Laughter An Instant Vacation

No doubt about it.  Humor is important to the human condition.  Charlie Chaplin, said “A day without laughter is a day wasted."  And it's true.  So take a break from the busyness of your day to have a chuckle with these funny headlines sent my way by a savvy reader, Ms. Loretta G.  Enjoy:

Did we elect these people?

 Civil War planes? Let me know how that works out.

I'm saying GREAT paint job.

"We had no idea anyone was buried there."

Hmm, resist temptation.

Please, anyone, if you've seen this man...?

What are the odds of that?

 I would have guessed after age 19.

Quincy Jones said laughter is "the soul saying, 'Ain't that the truth.'"   And Mark Twain remarked, "Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand."  Of the comedians still working today, I find Jon Stewart, Craig Ferguson and Jerry Seinfeld especially brilliant.  Going back in time, my family listened to the albums of Mr. Bill Cosby, The Smothers Brothers and the Chad Mitchell Trio.  In some ways listening to routines on records is funnier.  There are sound effects, and you use your imagination.  And of course, we watched reruns of I Love Lucy, Laugh-in, The Dick Van Dyke Show and The Carol Burnett Show to name a few.  I vividly remember Flip Wilson.  And, Richard Pryor was mesmerizing, depicting his harsh childhood and later life.  Have you noticed that the comedy which stands the test of time isn't based on shock value, or mean-spiritedness?   Controversial at the time?  Yes, sometimes ... and occasionally dark ... but, a cut above, not settling for an easy laugh.  

Clever comedy manages to uncover truth and tell us about ourselves.  It remains forever popular because the humor is as true of the present day as when the jokes were written.  Click here for a fascinating interview with The Great One♥, another fond blast from the past.  Now it's your turn.  Who are your favorite comedians, past or present?

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Kate Middleton Has Something I Want ... Sleeves

H.R.H. Catherine Middleton can do no wrong.  Clearly, she would do well in life with or without a royal title.  Chalk it up to having a level head on her shoulders, as well as, a grounded family.  So far, there's only been mild scandal:  Her mother, Carole, whose ideas and mettle lead to the creation of Party Pieces, a muti-million-dollar family business, was seen chewing gum in public, and it made the English tabloids.  Shall we gasp together?  Oh, wait!  I chew gum in public too.  Recall.

Along with the rest of the world, I adore Kate's elegant style.  Whether dressing up or down, she's spot on lovely.  Brittany Spears is a beautiful girl, but I'd much rather look like Kate Middleton.  Sure she wears Alexander McQueen, but she's just as likely to buy an accessible garment right off the rack.  And by the way, she does buy her own clothes, plus recycles dresses for different occasions.♥

Her classic style catches my eye because for a few years now I've had trouble finding the details I like in a dress.  Why do all dresses today lack sleeves and have plunging necklines?  Am I the only woman left who doesn't want to show cleavage when not at the beach?  Kate and I haven't meet, but she seems to agree with me.  As it turns out, I mostly cling to my dresses of yesteryear, still hanging in my closets.  So designers, listen up.

Here are elements I'd like to see more of from dressmakers:

1) Just right hemlines – I can find minis (about 17 inches from the waist) or grannies (to the ankle).  But what I want is a length that is just above the knee.  About 20-22 inches from the waist is just right -- a hem length that's dressy and flattering on everybody, short or tall.  And, you can expose a little leg without worrying about sitting down.
2) Sleeves – Who decided to remove the sleeves on every dress in every store from Elie Tahari to H&M?!?  Have you noticed?  But!  Sleeves are fashionable and practical.  I can comfortably wear a dress in air conditioning as long as I have cap sleeves.  Otherwise, I need a sweater.
3) Princess neckline – A princess, or rounded neck is a classic.  The cut is pretty, feminine and versatile, allowing you to go from the office to a night out.  A square neck is a nice change, but with a plunging neck, you often need a camisole or t-shirt to layer it.  Why can't we keep it simple?  I'd like to buy a dress and let that be enough and complete.  No extra pieces to cover up.

4) Natural fibers – I look for cotton, silk and linen for the summer and wools for the winter.  Natural fibers breathe and last.

Perhaps Kate Middleton will kindly tell us where to shop for sleeves.  From all accounts, she is kind.  So Your Royal Highness … gobal girlfriend … some of us really want to know!  Call me.

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Stow And Go Travel Hats

A walk down Madison Avenue confirms it.  Hats are all the rage this summer.  Perhaps inspired by the Royal Wedding and the Kentucky Derby, it's a good thing.  Dermatologists agree wearing one is the best way to prevent skin cancer and premature aging.  Not only is covering your head a sensible barrier against the sun's harmful rays, it keeps you dry and comfortable.  The right hat keeps you cool with portable shade.  Wherever you go, your shade comes with you.

On the hottest days, I sometimes prefer to cover up with a hat and light clothing instead of applying wet, sticky sunscreens.  Cotton and straw feels so good, helping you stay fresh and clean on the most humid days.

World famous hatters include James Lock and Co. and Philip Treacy, but you don't need a royal budget to buy a fashionable and functional hat.

Sun 'N' Sand is a green-minded company located in Grand Praire, Texas.  They make fun, super cute, durable hats (and bags) for a fraction of what other hat makers charge.  Choose from lightweight solids, retro patterns or vintage fedoras.  The company's motto is: "Causal simplicity where natural is better."  All their hats are handmade, but you'd never guess it by their reasonable prices.  Most are $22, or less.  And, many of the hats are designed for travel, which means they can be folded, rolled and packed away in a tote, making them perfect hats to take to the beach and on vacation.  Why pay more when you can get all natural fibers, contemporary style and SPF 50+ solar protection for less? It's a steal ... and ultra smart!


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Let's Eat Hummingbird Cake

Today I'm sharing a favorite recipe clipped from the newspaper years ago.  It won the blue ribbon at the state fair and could easily be the South's answer to a European torte cake.  It consists of two layers of heavenly cake.  The batter is full of chopped pecans, crushed pineapple and mashed bananas.  The layers are then frosted with a cream cheese and toasted pecan icing.  What a way to end a meal!

For all of the cake's moist richness, it's super easy to make.  No mixer is required, just two mixing bowls, one for wet ingredients and the other for dry.  You then stir the dry ingredients into the wet.

A hummingbird cake is perfect to serve at a 4th of July cookout.  Delish.  Guests always love it.  Best served in small slices; one cake feeds a large gathering.  Here's how to make it:

Ingredients for the batter:

1 cup pecans, finely chopped and toasted in the oven for 15 minutes

3 cups all purpose flour  [I use whole wheat flour]

2 cups granulated sugar

1 teaspoon baking soda

½ teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

3 large eggs, lightly beaten

¾  cup canola oil  [Use a light oil, not butter.]

2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

8 ounces crushed pineapple, do not drain  [I use almost all of a 20 ounce can pineapple, than only mash 1 banana]

2 cups mashed ripe bananas (3-4 medium sized bananas)

Directions for the batter:

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

2. Butter two 9 x 2 inch (23 x 5 cm) round cake pans and set aside.

3. Combine the dry ingredients in one large mixing bowl: flour, sugar, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, and chopped pecans. Whisk together.

4. Combine the wet ingredients in a second mixing bowl: eggs, vanilla, crushed pineapple, bananas and oil.

5. Fold the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients and beat well.

6. Evenly divide the batter between the two prepared pans and bake for 25 to 30 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean.

7. When done, take out of the oven.  Allow the cakes to cool, but remove them from the pans before they get stone cold, or they will stick.  After they are removed from the pans, let them cool completely on racks, or two plates.

Ingredients for Cream Cheese Pecan Frosting:

¼ cup unsalted butter, room temperature

8 ounces cream cheese, room temperature

16 ounces confectionary sugar

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

½ cup, finely chopped pecans, toasted in oven 15 minutes

Directions for frosting:

1) In a bowl beat the butter and cream cheese, on low speed with an electric mixer, until smooth with no lumps.

2) Gradually add the sifted powdered sugar and beat, on low speed, until fully blended and smooth.

3) Scrape down the sides of the bowl as needed. Beat in the vanilla extract and then stir in the finely chopped pecans.

4) To frost:  I very carefully slice the two cakes in the center so I end up with 4 frosted layers – i.e. the top layer, plus 3 middle layers like a torte.  But you don't need to do this; 2 frosted layers are fine.

5) Spread the icing on the inside layer(s), then frost the top and sides.  

Chill the cake in the refrigerator for about one hour.  Garish with chopped pecans and/or shredded coconut, if you wish.

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