Laugh With Me

People send me jokes, quotes and articles to read, which are often funny and interesting.  Today I'll share a few of the clean ones:

 First Quarter 2012 Airport Screening Results From The Department of Homeland Security:

Terrorists Discovered - 0

Transvestites - 133                               

Hernias - 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases - 3,172

Enlarged Prostates  - 8,249

Breast Implants - 59,350

Natural Blondes - 3

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman can go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may select any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: 

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: 

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: 

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 

'Wow!,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: 

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: 

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. 

PLEASE NOTE:  To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.

The Wife Store

The first floor has wives who love sex.

The second floor has wives who love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Definitions for English language words:

ADULT:  A person who has stopped growing at both ends.  And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:  A place where women curl up and dye. 

COMMITTEE:  A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 

CANNIBAL:  Someone who is fed up with people.

EGOTIST:  A person who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

HANDKERCHIEF:  Cold Storage.

INFLATION:  Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:  An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:  A grape with a sunburn. 

SECRET:  Something you tell to one person at a time. 

SKELETON:  A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. 

TOOTHACHE:  The pain that drives you to extraction. 

TOMORROW:  One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:  An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:  Something other people have, Similar to my character lines. [For more click here.]

And here is the best definition of calories I have come across:

CALORIES:  Tiny Creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tigher each night.

 Finally, this image below CRACKS me up.  OMG!  What kind of perverted minds create these things?  Please.  Keep them coming.

You may also enjoy:

What I Like About Mad Men And The 60s

Guilty Pleasure Songs 2

Holiday Books, Bill Clinton's Picks

Sidney Poitier: Actor, Author ... And More

Guilty Pleasure Songs 2

Several months ago I wrote a post on the subject of Guilty Pleasure Songs, the songs you might be slightly embarrassed to admit to liking.  Well, today let's revisit the subject to come up with another list of songs.  But let's change it up a bit: This new list would not open you up to the laughter of friends like your previous Guilty Pleasure Songs might -- because the 2nd list will comprise songs that many critics agree, are well crafted songs.  Just for fun let's now come up with a list of songs we never, ever grow tired of listening to.  So the guilty pleasure element of my new list of songs (below) is this: Even though they have been around for a few years, I can still listen to them a sickening number of times.  I love listening to my list of songs, even though I have heard each and every song over and over and over again.  Someone else may think it obsessive, but I get the same pleasure out of playing them one more time. ♬♪♪♫♪♪

Listing only one song per artist is the challenge.  In many cases I love an entire album.  I could easily list 3 songs by Jimi Hendix alone; but for my Guilty Pleasure List, I will only list one of his, or any other artist's songs.  Also, I will leave off early iconic rock and rollers, since any one of the early artists, such as The Everly Brothers, could make up my entire list.  And I'm not including recent songs, like Somebody That I Used To Know (by Gotye) or Crazy (CeLo Green) or Blue Jeans (Laura Del Rey) or Telephone (Lady Gaga) since without the test of time, who knows if I'll grow tired of them.  So, here is my list in no particular order:

Best Loved Pop Songs (a/k/a, songs I'm not ashamed to play 10,000 times, or more):

1. Paper In Fire - John Mellencamp

2. Caribbean Queen - Billy Ocean

3. Father Figure - George Michael

4. Ode To Billy Joe - Bobbie Gentry (here)

5. It's Raining Men - Weather Girls

6. Billy Jean - Michael Jackson

7. Super Freak - Rick James: RJ really, really likes his groupies and pays tribute.

8. Smoke On The Water - Deep Purple

9. House of the Raising Sun - The Animals

10. Heartbreaker - Rolling Stones: I love the Mick Taylor period of the band the best.

11. Aqualung - Jethro Tull

12. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd

13. Purple Haze - Jimi Hendrix

14. Freebird - Lynyrd Skynyrd

15. Stairway To Heaven - Led Zeppelin: There's a good reason radio stations play this classic to death.

16. Time Of The Season - The Zombies

17. Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress - The Hollies: Very underestimated band and lead singer, Alan Clarke.  I like so many of their songs, I keep switching my selection.

18. Behind Blue Eyes - The Who

19. Born To Be Wild - Steppenwolf: Everybody knows this ultimate biker song.  I like it even though I will never ride a bike on a highway for fear of becoming a human missile if in an accident.

20. Layla - Derek And The Dominoes: Eric Clapton and Duane Allman playing blues rock is bliss.

21. Sharp Dressed Man - ZZ Top: Billy Gibbons is an underrated guitarist, who is still very much alive. Click here.

22. Put A Little Love In Your Heart - Jackie DeShannon: I know you're tapping a toe just thinking of how the tune goes.

23. What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted - Joan Osborne with The Funk Brothers here: The FB are Motown's house band.  {Want to hear more of JO?  Click here.}

24. I Heard It Through The Grapewine - Marvin Gaye: The more paranoid, the better, example here.

25. Alone - Heart

26. Come As You Are - Nirvana

27. All Right Now - Free

28. Iron Man - Black Sabbath: About a superhero gone wrong.  Male cousins, thus the influence.

29. Don't Fear The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult

30. Black Magic Woman - Santana

After you move past the tabloid stories, what you have is a sophisticated songwriter and a gorgeous vocalist.  When George Michael is feeling a song, few other singers can touch him.  Father Figure was a US #1 hit in 1988, but I love this more mature rendition.  For another lovely one, click here.  GM has several fine albums after Faith.                                                      

       

Which songs can you listen to 10,000 times?

                                                                                    

You may also enjoy:

The Voice Premieres On NBC

Thinking About Father's Day

The Every Brothers Sing, Reviews

R.I.P. Earl Scuggs (1924 - 2012)

Target Your Summer Style

If you need to add some brand new contemporary pieces to your summer wardrobe, head over to Target.  The reason?  Target continues to collaborate with the biggest names in the fashion industry to bring out stylist collections at ultra affordable prices.  Why pay more when you can get fashion for less?  Whether it's bright solids, crisp stripes, fun pastels, or romantic wispy fabrics, there's no shortage of color, comfort and choice for men, women and children.  A 4-pack of Carter's bodysuits for newborns are $8 bucks.  And assorted colors of men's C9 by Champion tops and shorts range from $12.99 to $18.99.

From advanced performance running shorts and tech tees (with Duo Dry Max fabric, cooling ventilation and UV protection) to Mossinmo sun dresses and maxi dresses -- not to mention straw fedoras and handbags -- you really can't go wrong, or do better than Target.  All active wear and smart casual wear (oooh yeah ... also known as vacation wear) are on sale now.  Run in for huge savings!

You may also enjoy:

Save On Summer Fashion Essentials  

Treat The Triggers Of Allergies  

10 Wardrobe Pieces Every Woman Should Own

10 Wardrobe Pieces Every Man Should Own

Win Train's Latest CD: California 37

Nothing says easy, breezy summer like listening to upbeat, feel-good music.  Since Memorial Day marks the unofficial start of summer, THE SAVVY SHOPPER wants to put you in the right mood by giving away Train's latest CD: California 37.

Here's how to enter for your chance to win:*      

Become a member of THE SAVVY SHOPPER blog, then leave a comment, saying you'd like to enter the contest.  If you also "Like" THE SAVVY SHOPPER'S Facebook page [go to top of blog for link], you will double your entries/chances to win.

And don't worry: By signing on to "follow," nothing bad happens; you don't get spammed with promotional emails.  The lucky winner will be announced on June 16th.  It is the birthday of one of our readers, Pam H.

Train's new music is fun.  You can shimmy and dance to it, which is a splendid, uplifting way to begin your summer.  Also this summer, look for the band on tour in a city near you.  Good luck!  ♬♪♪♫♪♪

*Sorry, the winner must have a USA mailing address.  Please don't leave an address under comments, only your name, or username.  The winner will be notified on the blog and can give a mailing address privately.  THE SAVVY SHOPPER received a complimentary CD and is giving it away free to a lucky reader, who will be determined by drawing names.

Update, June 16th: doglvr895 won the Train CD!

You might also enjoy:

Thinking About Father's Day

Guilty Pleasure Songs

The Everly Brothers Sing, Reviews

Michael Jackson: An Artist At Work, A Review

Reduce Your Risk Of Lyme Disease

This is a good year for ticks; they are thriving.  So as we move into warm weather, we need to be more aware of lyme disease.  Lyme disease is an infection caused by the borrelia burgdorferi, a bacterium known as a spirochete, which is transmitted to people and animals through tick bites.  

Symptoms can include a rash, fatigue, chills, fever, headache, muscle or joint pain and swollen lymph nodes.  Doctors diagnose lyme disease through blood tests, and it can be treated with several weeks of antibiotics taken by mouth.  It is important to diagnose lyme disease early and treat it with the correct antibiotics so that patients recover quickly and completely.  If left untreated, lyme disease can affect the heart, joints and nervous system, causing heart failure, meningitis, arthritis and chronic joint pain.

But don't fret, you can reduce your risk of lyme disease by taking a few simple precautions.  According to the Mayo Clinic, you should [paraphrased]:

1. Wear long pants and sleeves when walking in wooded and grassy areas.  Tuck shirts and pant-legs in, and cover exposed skin.  Even wear boots and gloves.

2. Stick to trails and avoid walking through low bushes and tall grass.  Keep dogs on a lease.

3. Use insect repellents with a 10% to 30% concentration of DEET; the strength depends on how long you stay out.  The benefit of preventing lyme disease is greater than not using DEET, which can be toxic.  A 10% concentration of DEET will protect you for 2 hours.  Always follow label directions carefully.  And I'd shower it off afterwards.

4. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says, lemon eucalyptus, a natual product, offers the same protection as DEET when used in the same concentration.  Neither should be used on children younger than 3 years old.

5. Tick-proof your yard by clearing bush and leaves where ticks live.  Keep wood and leaf piles in the sun before bagging them up for disposal.

Someone braver than me.

6. Check yourself, your children and pets for ticks vigilantly.  Ticks are the size of a pin head and can easily be missed.  Showering will wash off ticks, not attached to your skin.

7. Remove a tick imbedded into the skin carefully by its head.  Don't crush or squeeze it.  The bacterium could get into your wound.  When the entire tick is removed, apply antiseptic to the bite.

8. Don't think you are immune to lyme disease once you've had it.  You can get it again.

I don't know about you, but just thinking about tick bites makes me itch.  And yet, I'll be more alert this summer while enjoying the great outdoors.

Extra tip: To learn about clothing treated with permethrin read this article from The New York Times and to see examples click Amazon here.

You may also enjoy:

No Skimping On Good Oral Hygiene

Can Needle Flowers Improve Your Health?    

Doctor's Orders: Is It Time For A Checkup?   

Calling All Dog Lovers

Bob Harper's The Skinny Rules ... Are Just the Beginning

Fruit is good.  Photo: Marco Lazzaroni

Life is about following rules.  There's no getting around it.  Eat too much, or spend too much money regularly and you end up not being able to take care of yourself, or your family.

When you think about it, how you eat and budget requires knowledge, discipline and a similar mindset.  Both areas involve putting off instant gratification for a larger purpose or reward.

Setting goals, planning and making choices are not just facts of life, they are the subjects of countless books and discussions, especially in the media.  Every week a new expert explains how to eat or budget better.  Here are a few recent rules:

The Skinny Rules by Bob Harper - A new book that teaches you to lose weight and keep it off. Here's how:

1. Drink a large glass of water before breakfast and every meal. – Try to drink 8-12 glasses of water per day.  I can't see a French woman doing this. Croissant and coffee - oui.  Splish, splash - non.

2. Eat protein with every meal.

3. Eat apples and berries every day. – They boost your antioxidants, and no one gets fat by eating fruit.

4. Go vegetarian one day a week. – No animal protein whatsoever.

5. No food 3 hours before bed. – Personally, I have a light snack at night because I fear if I go to bed hungry, I will toss and turn.  But, BH claims a body sleeps better on an empty stomach.  Noooo, I don't believe it.

6. Eat one splurge meal each week.  According to the book, if you do what you need to do 80% of the time, you can play 20% of the time.

From maintaining a healthy waist to a diet for maintaining a heathy budget --

Rules (also known as tips) for saving money on goods everybody buys:

1. Groceries: Buy bags of frozen vegetables. They are cheaper and frozen at their peak.

2. Wine: Buy wines from Spain, Greece and South America. They cost less but are as tasty as those from France and Italy.

3. Technology: Don't buy the newest version out.  Apple, Canon, Boston Acoustics and other well-known manufacturers sell refurbished and last year's models at substantial savings.  Go to company websites for deals.

Rules to save on buying insurance:  

The rule of thumb: Figure out what you need to maintain your present and immediate-future lifestyle.  And, don't buy insurance for unlikely catastrophes, or when it is cheaper to save the money to repair, replace, or pay for the thing/service outright.  According to this week's experts:

Insurance you need includes:

1. Health

2. House/homeowners

3. Renters

4. Auto – It is illegal to go without.

5. Medical for travel

6. Life – If you are the sole or substantial support of your family.

7. Umbrella – Protects your assets from lawsuits.  An extra layer of insurance that pays for medical, court and other expenses after basic car and home insurance stops.

Insurance you do not need:

1. Pet – There are too many restrictions in the policy to benefit.

2. Flight – Your chance of dying in a plane crash is about zero.

3. Extended warranties for electronics – Usually the limited warranty is sufficient.

4. Home warranty – Covers major appliances.  Often has deductibles, service charges and proof of non-neglect clause. Not worth the cost.

Is your head spinning?  (Oh, life!, Michael Stipe sang it.)  The yin and yang.  Dividing the pie.  Having enough.  Maintaining.  Being Secure.  Taking Risks.  Deciding which risks to take.  Not knowing the future.  Sometimes it seems simple, and at other times, it's complicated.  

And if you don't make decisions, life will decide for you.  So what can you do?  Live and learn.  Be savvy, and do the best you can.  Every few years, reassess.

You may also enjoy:

When Do You Pay Top Dollar?  

Eaters Beware   

Health Care Reform, A Doctor Weighs In

Save On Your Next Computer ... And Electronics

Happy Mother's Day

Today we honor mothers and motherhood.  Like Father's Day, Mother's Day is celebrated on different days of the year throughout the world.  Here in the US, President Woodrow Wilson made Mother's Day a national holiday in 1914.  And although it's become super commercialized, what most mothers really want is love and validation for everything they do.

 So be sure to call your mom and spend time with her doing what she enjoys.  Take your cues from her, and listen twice as much as you talk.  A good gift is thoughtful.  Give your mother gifts you can afford, but things that make her life easier, better or joyful. In addition to time spent with you, mom should recieve things she wants, not things you want her to have.

Happy Mother's Day to you, Mam'ma!  (I usually call her "Mom," but she signs all her cards "Mamma.") xoxo.

Love, Debbie

You may also enjoy:

Treat Yourself To One Nice Thing   

Watches, Tales And Sprouts  

Steaming Hot Cincinnati Chili

FarmHouse Fresh: Bath And Body With A Touch Of Wimpsy